Disgraceful Rider

Hoisting Jolly Roger

admin — Tue, 15 May 2012 18:33:15 +0000

In Funchal harbour on holiday, Rider and Him Indoors were sipping a glass of something when a Pirate ship hove into view. The crew could not be seen but plenty of what looked like tourists were milling about on deck. ‘Do you think those people have been pressganged?’ said Rider. ‘I would have liked a boat trip’ replied Him Indoors sadly – as Rider won’t go on a cruise, this is a theme which crops up from time to time. The thought of being shut up with a load of others in a floating hotel, bobbing about, fills Rider with horror – Hell must be like that. Anyway I said that Him Indoors wouldn’t have liked being on the pirate ship as he might have had to hoist the Jolly Roger. He said it had been a long time since he’d hoisted his Jolly Roger and he would have to go back to our hotel and practice a few times first. Conversation moved on after being stared at by passers by due to hysterical laughter. Then the aspect of being made to walk the plank was brought up. Who would be chosen? Him Indoors pondered this for all of 10 seconds – it would be a German he said (expletive deleted) – since there were so many of them knocking about the place. The pirate ship sailed out of view around the harbour wall but business must have been pretty good as it was seen several times during the holiday. Random!

Forthcoming Holiday

admin — Tue, 01 May 2012 15:24:47 +0000

Rider and Him Indoors doing a bit of last minute shopping – some swimming shorts were suggested in case Him Indoors took advantage of the Hotel pool in anticipated warm weather. Shorts were scrutinised – Him Indoors was quite hard to please wanting plenty of room in front and no short legs just in case. Should insect repellant be bought? Later, over a mocha, conversation turned to the advisability of learning some rudimentary Portugese and whether you were likely to get arrested for moral turpitude like in the States. Perhaps my Bad To The Bone cap is pushing it a bit but then the wording isn’t in Portugese. We probably wouldn’t mind getting thrown into clink on Madiera – in that climate with civilised food, and maybe civilised clink compared with the States – it might be quite interesting. Shall we do a toboggan run? – not with Rider’s luck. I would get the worst and most reckless guys for sure and end up in traction. Does our insurance cover us against heart attacks brought on by shock to the system going from our weather to somewhere balmy? If riots break out in Funchal next week you’ll know someone is having a damn good time…. S;-)

Knaresborough

admin — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 15:49:37 +0000

Close to where Brer Rabbit’s sofa was once seen, some wonderful woodworking artist has carved three sculptures from the remains of old trees. One is a lizard, one an ‘old man of the woods’ face – like something out of The Hobbit, and the third is a diving bird with outstretched wings, beak down clutching a fish with another fish below that. This is just one area of a wonderful roundtrip walk to delight those lucky people in the know about Knaresborough. You can visit antique shops, take tea and a lavender scone at the converted oldest chemist’s shop (in England?), play crazy golf in the grounds of the castle (small existing bit), tour the bit of the castle, go through the old passageway leading from the castle grounds down to the moat, climb up (or down) the steep steps to the river, sit on one of the seats on the way and picnic taking in the view, get a row boat on the river/fish, view the viaduct taking the railway over the deep river gorge, stroll, snap, stuff your face with a cream bun. Just one more great place to visit in Yorkshire …but don’t tell anybody else – this is just between you and me S;-)

Pub Quiz

admin — Thu, 12 Apr 2012 10:46:09 +0000

Rider and Him Indoors got a reasonable score last night considering our friends didn’t come and we had a good few belly laughs. There was a question about which group some guy was lead singer of which we didn’t know and Him Indoors decided to make up a group name to fill the space as he doesn’t like gaps. Since his humour tends towards the lavatorial kind, you should cover your eyes now if you are the prissy sort. My favourite was a French accented ‘Pain Krackaire’, closely followed by ‘Kon Stee Payshun’. Him Indoors suggested that a good singalong chorus could be ‘Oooooh, oooooh, oh oh oh, oooooh, oooooh’ etc. People in the pub kept looking at us in envy at our hysterical laughing but we didn’t reveal the joke – or did we fill in the blank! S;-)

The Age of Man

admin — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 09:53:07 +0000

Like the world of Lord of the Rings film – we are now in the Anthropocene Age – the Age of Man. Scientists who study such things have called the most recent ‘age’ – The Helocene Age. Now they say we have entered the Anthropocene Age. Since the Industrial Revolution we humans have been depositing all manner of manufactured rubbish onto the earth. Just like the dinosaurs we will leave traces far into the future so that any scientists grubbing about in the earth a million years from now will find traces of us. Will our race survive that long? I don’t know, but laid down in sedimentary layers will be loads of plastic. I think there will be swathes of concrete tracks where vehicles once ran. There may be the traces of vast graveyards of obsolete equipment like cookers, washers, computers, phones and the like. Not to mention vehicles. Would they all turn into strange fossils to be speculated over as to their use. ‘Objects of worship’? Thinks: If I order a titanium coffin and take a copy of my book with me, maybe I will amaze someone far into the future with my erudition – and my funky hair and outfit!! S;-)

Cars

admin — Sat, 03 Mar 2012 15:53:10 +0000

I believe that cars – like washing machines, cameras, computers and all other gizmos which are supposed to make life easier and simpler – should be equipped with only those tools which actually make life easier and simpler. My philosophy is not followed by those who make such things. Washing machines with 20 programmes of which only 3 are used. Computer programmes which follow logical steps for those with logical minds – not me then obviously. Him Indoors has a new car. It has so many buttons on the steering wheel that you feel ejection may very well be one of them. The consequences of pressing one whilst negotiating a busy intersection could be dire and best not dwell on the thought. The Rev counter is where the speedo normally is, the speedo is digital in blue on a curve beyond the Rev counter – further on is the SatNav map. One wiper is longer than the other – why? The air conditioning is probably best not attempted – open a window seems the safest bet. There are six forward gears – why? Even the Blue Streak only has five. The handbrake sticks up on the driver’s side of the central ‘console’ – I have to admit I’m used to this with Blue Streak but any fatties could find it a buttock-poking incentive to lose weight. The design feature most likely to keep the driver concentrating is the spoiler which cuts the back window in half – perhaps a new ploy to ensure attention in heavy traffic – maybe to get good posture by having to sit tall to see over it – maybe to help exercise the driver by having them duck down to see under it and then up to see over it. New acquainteaces will soon be made when reversing is required…. ‘would you mind just guiding me out?’…’that is if I can find reverse gear’. Butch has a comfortable ride, nice seats, not bad looking. ‘People don’t take liberties with this’ according to Him Indoors. Well people don’t take liberties with Blue Streak when I’m driving either but my controls are straightforward and useful, and I have an unobstructed view from the back window… so there. Butch may grow on me, like a guy you hate on first sight but revise your opinion when you get to know him, but by golly he loves his gizmos and his ‘shades’. S;^)

Health and Safety

admin — Sat, 03 Mar 2012 10:02:26 +0000

Germs are good for you. Only a disgusting person with hands full of germs uses bars of soap instead of a handsfree dispenser. Ditto not spraying around every possible surface with disinfectant. Dispensers are convenient I have to admit – they do away with the slimey bars and residue which has to be wiped up from time to time. Spraying everywhere might keep you superclean but you could die young though having breathed in the chemicals – which would be preferable? Pollution probably accounts for all the allergies we have today but an intake of plenty of germs will make you more able to cope with other things. Piggynap and Writeous Dude lived in an environment where there were plenty of germs as Rider was too busy living life to be superclean. A trip with a friend and her children to the coast perfectly illustrated two different attitudes to germs and suchlike. Her children had to change into plastic sandals for the beach. My two got stripped off to bare feet and were paddling and hunting in rock pools some time before their playmates. At lunchtime, out came the waterproof rug, chilled food container, plates and cups and paper napkins etc. Hands and faces were wiped and after plenty of other ritual cleansing the kids (hers) were allowed to tuck in. I seem to recall plastic supermarket bags being produced by Rider and filmwrapped sarnies and cake being handed out to my two whilst they perched on sand or rock. She must have thought she was with a real slag! My two climbed trees, dug in the garden and generally got filthy and intimately acquainted with plenty of germs. How else is your body going to recognise the harmless germs from the ones it needs to fight? This post was prompted by reading that Warwickshire Council has banned mums having hot drinks in the same room as toddlers are playing. I expect there will soon be a law that stops young mums inviting others with their kids for a coffee morning etc. Young mums don’t have any sense it would seem. They are not to be trusted to assess risks. Soon parents will be required to undergo several examinations to test their knowledge of correct procedures of health and safety in the home and outside. I was a terrible mother, it was only due to good fortune that Writeous Dude and Piggynap survived to adulthood. God knows what will happen to my grandchildren if I should every get any – they will never be allowed to visit their disgusting, risk-taking, totally bonkers Granny.

Hospitals Parking and Phones

admin — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 15:15:01 +0000

My friend, a Ward Clerk, with a relative at present in St James Hospital, Leeds, told me that there is only one central switchboard now, based at Leeds General to cover both hospitals. Consequently if you phone up you may expect to wait several minutes to be answered at all. At the moment – and for the last 2 days – the Ward my friend’s relative is in has a fault on the phone which means it appears constantly engaged and nobody can get through to the Ward. As it is weekend, the switchboard say that the fault won’t be attended to until Monday. Therefore unless a patient has a mobile (and charger) then they must wonder why no relative has enquired about them. My friend could, of course, phone to the one by her relative’s bed – at a cost of 50p per minute. Yes, that’s right, 50p a minute for someone who may not be very well off and might want to have an actual conversation to reassure themselves and cheer up the patient. How long before the NHS starts charging patients for food/drink/bandages/drugs? Already there is a system for bringing patients requiring surgery into the hospital the same morning they are to be operated on. This means that someone who is very unwell must be up around 5.00am to phone the hospital by 6.00am to be told if there is a bed available and that they can actually come in that day. The system means that someone else, admitted during the previous evening/overnight, may be occupying the bed already despite some highly-paid surgeon presumably then twiddling their thumbs, having expected to be operating? Some Wards, as I have been told, are craftily getting their patients in the previous evening so that they are actually occupying a bed for the morning of their surgery. Dear God… get yourselves private insurance people if you can possibly afford it. Unfortunately Rider cannot but hopefully a little bit in the Building Society might help. There is something deeply wrong – shown in just these two examples of what goes on. Don’t get me started on the exhorbitant parking charges – you can’t claim some of the charge for being delayed past your appointment time. Money making scam…go into providing telephone services and parking for patients/distraught relatives …. make yourself a fortune. Did I say that there is a proposal to make the central switchboard voice recognition only? God help you if you don’t speak the Queen’s English.

Warrior and Galloper Jack

admin — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 10:57:59 +0000

Just finished reading ‘Warrior – The Amazing Story of a real War Horse’ by General Jack Seely (Lord Mottistone). Jack Seely bred Warrior – who was a thoroughbred but only 15.2HH – and they both had an incredible time during WW1. Man and horse developed a wonderful understanding to which only a true ‘horseperson’ can relate. Warrior lived to the great age of almost 33, when sadly he was put down due to feedstuff shortage in the Spring of wartime 1941 – Jack Seely would not have asked for special privilege as a man of old fashioned honour. He wrote the closing words in his book – ’26 years of intimate friendship with such a horse is a privilege granted to very few, but it has been mine’. My feeling exactly about my old Pony ‘Star’ who I was lucky enough to have for 10 years. A ‘must read’ book, together with the story of Jack Seely’s life ‘Galloper Jack’. The man had a life which, if it were not absolutely true, would not be believed. He was a Minister in Asquith’s government from 1911 to 1914. A contemporary of Churchill. He commanded the Canadian cavalry on the Western Front in WW1 and horse and rider were painted by Sir Alfred Munnings who illustrated his book about Warrior. What a character – what a horse. Enjoy…..

Supermarket Checkouts

admin — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 18:53:32 +0000

Rider and Him Indoors only wanted a few things forgotten for Xmas. Supermarket self checkouts are not used due to a hatred of machines that talk at you but never say what you want to hear, not enough room to pack and store full bags of shopping and wanting to keep people in work. However on this occasion Him Indoors took charge as men often do when they rarely do the weekly shop. Suffice to say we left the shop with an extra item in the bag than appeared on the checkout list – a stick of celery. Oh dear…. Rider is worried. Will our faces appear on some security camera and then in the local paper? ‘Parish Clerk and husband steal stick of celery’. Will there be a knock on the door just as presents are being exchanged on Xmas morning? Will Rider be hauled away leaving family to sob into their Xmas Bucks Fizz whilst they cook beans on toast since turkey will be off with no-one with the knowhow to cook it? Perhaps celery should be buried in the garden or burnt to destroy the evidence. It isn’t a very large stick – and to be honest it doesn’t have much of a heart as supermarket bought ones often don’t – it would have hardly been worth paying for. Do you think the Judge would be convinced ? Rider is forced to wonder how many shoplifters are actually innocent and whether the machine would have registered bottles of wine instead of a stick of celery which would have at least given going to goal more street cred. Merry Christmas. S:^)